Level 70 Epic Web Development Ninja

Four years ago, while working at CareerBuilder, I needed to test some resume (or CV as you non-Americans call it) stuff in the production environment. So I whipped up a fake resume, had a little fun with it, did my tests, then forgot about it.

Last week, a recruiter emailed me about a job opportunity. According to him, my resume is a perfect fit!

This is that resume (which, by the way, is titled “Level 70 Epic Web Development Ninja”):

OBJECTIVE

To become the most powerful web developer in the world, preferably with a power level over 9000

SKILLS

Programming Skills

  • I have programmed in every language ever, including but not limited to, Ada, ASP, ASP.NET, Basic, C, C++, C#, COBOL, Erlang, Fortran, Heron, J#, J++, Java, Lingo, Lisp, Logo, Lua, Maple, Matlab, Nemerle, Pascal, Perl, PHP, Pico, Prolog, Python, Ruby, Scheme, Smalltalk, Squeak, and my TI-86 calculator in high school - Produce high quality code, even when tired or drunk

Database Skills

  • I have used every DB language ever created
  • My photographic memory makes DB work easy

Web Design Skills

  • I can speak in HTML
  • Copious amounts of experience surfing the internet

WORK EXPERIENCE

Sep 2003 -

Career Quilter Norcross, GA Software Engineer 2.0

  • Drank a lot of Mountain Dew
  • Wrote asinine fake resumes to use in the production environment for testing

May 2003 – May 2003

Wectarejob Inc. Norcross, GA Software Engineer

  • Cleaned up wasted file space by removing 5 years worth of comments from code
  • Creative differences led me to outgrow this position in 2 days

Sep 2000 – Nov 2000

Georgia Remotes Atlanta, GA Webmaster/Advertising Consultant

  • Webmaster for a short-sighted baseless web start-up that rode the bubble, cowboy style, into glorious failure

Something tells me the recruiter didn’t read my resume.

Hey, you reached the end!

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